Little J

Early morning, Saturday, Aug. 25:
I can hardly believe that I'm writing this post this morning with an 8-year-old sound asleep in her bedroom - an absolutely adorable little girl who has been through so much, but still has a spark in her eye and such an incredible excitement for life. Words cannot describe how much I already love her, and how excited I am to have Jeremy and I show her what it's like to be treated like the precious angel she is.

Just a little over a week ago we met with our licensing worker to sign our final paperwork and review our home study. At that meeting we also had the opportunity to look through a book of children who are already legally free for adoption - children that, once our license was approved, we could inquire more about and meet to see if we were a good fit for each other. One child caught our eye, and we had every intention of learning more about her. Then we got a phone call that changed everything.

Evening, Saturday, Aug. 25:
We had been told by our licensing worker at our final signing of paperwork that we would know we were officially licensed in one of 3 ways - 1. She would call us to let us know; 2. We would receive our paper license in the mail; or 3. We would get a call for a placement. She informed us that often people discover they are licensed because they get that long awaited call. Sure enough, that was the case for us. Thursday morning I was at work, walking out to the back parking lot to get a car for a customer, when, simply out of habit, I checked to see if I had any messages on my phone. I had several missed calls, from Jeremy and from a local number I didn't recognize. I checked my voicemail, and just about lost my breath when I heard a woman from the Department of Family Services on the other line, asking me to return her call because she had a little girl she wanted to see if Jeremy and I could take. Over the course of several conversations with the placement worker I learned all I could about her situation - a horrible one to say the least - and about what sort of care this little girl (who I'll hereafter refer to as Little J) would need. Jeremy and I didn't hesitate. We were ready, and hearing about Little J's situation only fueled the fire we already had to make a difference in the life of a child who desperately needed it.

Once we had told the placement worker we wanted to take Little J into our care, we made arrangements to meet her that night and take her home with us. Can I just say that was such a long day for me!! The plan was to go to Child Haven - the name of the place where the children stay until they find a home - that evening. We had been told that Little J didn't have any belongings coming with her, so I spent my lunch break at Target running around buying the essential items an 8 year old child would need - namely clothes - and some "My Little Pony" toys since we had been told Little J loves ponys. We were completely on Cloud 9. Then I got a call several hours later telling me that due to the circumstances that took Little J out of her biological family's home, we would have to pick her up on Friday instead of Thursday. Talk about being crushed! Needless to say, Thursday night I was like a kid the night before Christmas, having a hard time sleeping and just wanting Friday night to get here as quickly as it possibly could.

Of course Friday was one of the slowest days ever for me at work, lol. And of course, the night I needed to make sure I got off work on time we were slammed at the last minute and I had no choice but to stay late. At 6:20 though I was able to leave (despite there still being work to do, so thanks to my boss for that!) and I drove home quickly to get Jeremy so we could head to Child Haven. We threw the booster seat in the car and booked it down to Child Haven. We both were overwhelmed with a variety of emotions - the day we had waited for for so long had finally arrived, and we were moments away from meeting the first child we would take into our care.

When we arrived at Child Haven, a member of the placement team met with us before she took us to meet Little J, going over A LOT of paperwork and telling us about her upcoming medical needs. We knew she had some medical issues, but we were surprised to learn about all the appointments she was going to have over the next few weeks and months. Nonetheless, we were willing and were ready to meet her.

Child Haven is a great place. There are outdoor play areas, and lots of cottages where the children stay. Each cottage is staffed by wonderful people who truly care for the children who have to stay there while they wait for a placement. When we walked into the cottage where Little J was staying, we were greeted by several girls (ranging in age from 13-15 I believe, who were waiting for their foster parents to get there), and out walks Little J from the play area. Let me first say that Little J has been through some horrific things - honestly, horrific only begins to describe the kind of life she has lived. We had been told before we accepted the placement that because of the things she had been through her top lip looked similar to what a cleft palate looks like and would require cosmetic surgery to fix. We had braced ourselves for what that poor little girl's lip would look like, but when she walked into our view I will be honest and say that both Jeremy and I were taken back by it. When you know the details we know about the things she's been through, it's hard to see an injury like that and not be angry and not be upset by it. Those first few moments of meeting her were a little awkward too - what do you say to a child who was just removed from the only home they've ever known and you're there to take them into your home instead?? We signed some more paperwork, went over her medical history to a small degree, gathered up her belongings, and headed out to the car.

Words cannot describe how I felt as I reached my hand out to Little J and she placed hers in mind for the first time. Walking to the car that night I felt complete :). Once we got home Jeremy and I spent some time getting to know Little J a little better, introducing her to all the animals and showing her around the house. Bedtime the first night was a bit of a struggle, and Jeremy and I woke up to every little noise we heard that night. I had to work that Saturday morning, so I was the first one up, but Little J was up pretty quickly after me (something we have now learned is habit for her, lol). She had told me she had never been grocery shopping before, so when I got home from work that day she was more than excited to go to the store with me - and I was more than thrilled to have her come along! We also treated her to what we thought was her first McDonald's (we later learned she was treated to McDonald's while waiting to be placed).

Because of the hectic and sudden changes in our family dynamic, I stayed home from church on Sunday and spent time relaxing and getting to know Little J better. The best part of the day by far though was skyping with my parents with Little J sitting on my lap. She absolutely LOVED it!! Overall it was a great weekend!

One week later, Saturday, Sept. 1:
What a whirlwind of a week it's been. Little did we know when we agreed to take Little J into our care just what that would entail. Many children in foster care have some pretty serious behavior issues - we've been VERY lucky because Little J is all around pretty well behaved. Of course she has some normal kid behaviors that we expected, but she also DOESN'T have a lot of the behaviors we were bracing ourselves to deal with. When we first took her into care we felt like some of the luckiest foster parents in all of Nevada!

I mentioned earlier that when we arrived at Child Haven to pick Little J up that we were surprised by the amount of appointments we were told she needed to be at. At that time it seemed like it wouldn't be too much, but as the week progressed and we learned more and more about the medical care this precious angel needs, we started to come to a realization that we were in over our heads. Her medical needs are so great that her placement team has decided to NOT have her enrolled in school until further notice because she would be missing A LOT of school for doctors appointment, etc. Little J's caseworker told us that the amount of appointments we are having to take her to is not the norm for a child in foster care, which gives you a slight hint as to just how many appointments this poor little girl has to endure.

Last night Jeremy and I made a tough decision - within the next few weeks Little J will be transitioning from our home into another foster family's home. We've already developed a bond with Little J, and we both care about her wellbeing, but we also care about her enough to know that we aren't the right fit for her. We haven't come to this decision lightly, and it will be a hard goodbye for all of us. Last night Jeremy and I discovered that we both had been thinking for days that we were in too deep before we had even brought it up to one another. For us that was a clear sign that we had taken on too much too soon. When we agreed to take the placement of Little J, we weren't aware of all of her medical needs, and had we known then what we know now about what those needs would entail, we would have respectfully declined the placement.

There is also a more emotional side of it for me too. After we had agreed to take in Little J, but before we had gone to pick her up, we were offered another placement of two sisters, ages 3 and 4. We were unable to accept that placement because 1. We only have a total of 2 beds available, and we had already agreed to take Little J, so taking sisters was out of the question; and 2. Even if we had had 3 beds total, we really only feel ready at the moment to take one child on at a time. I realized something though when we got that phone call - I wanted a younger child, not am 8-year old. I felt regret for accepting Little J's placement because it meant we couldn't accept placements of younger kids, and then almost immediately after feeling the regret I felt VERY guilty for having felt the regret in the first place. At first I thought that maybe it was just a one time thing, but I soon discovered it wasn't. Earlier this week we were asked to take in a 10-month-old baby girl. Saying no to that placement felt like a knife wound to the heart, and again I had the regret-then-guilt feelings repeat. With the plethora of medical needs Little J has, there is NO way we could take in a baby. And just yesterday we were asked to take a 2 year old girl, which caused me to feel the same way yet again. Do you see the pattern? I have an 8 year old in my care, and every time I'm offered a younger child that I cannot accept placement for, it kills me. Jeremy and I had said throughout the foster licensing process that we would be happy to take in children ages 0 to 13, but I've now realized that I'm not OK with that (which is ironic since it was my idea to take in kids that old in the first place!). I have a need to be a mom, yes, but it's a need that I need fulfilled through the eyes of younger child, at least at this time. I know it may seem selfish of me, but it's not fair to myself or especially to Little J for me to pretend that I'm perfectly content passing up every younger child offered to us, and with her ongoing medical needs, there's no way we could ever take on a second child and thus no way for me to have my need for a younger child fulfilled.

So now we wait. Because of the 3-day weekend, plans for Little J's new placement won't start until Tuesday, and we aren't sure how much longer we have with her. For now we are just going to enjoy every moment we can. Today we made cookies:). Once she is transitioned out of our home, we will begin considering placements for younger children, but this time we know the right questions to ask before we accept a placement again.

Little J will always hold a special place in our hearts. I have taken quite a few pictures over the past week, and I plan to reflect on them often. I know she wants to stay here with us, but I also know she has a better future with another family. We will miss her giggles, her cuddling up with us, her dancing around the house to the radio, and so much more. I don't know if she will remember us when she's older, but if she does, I hope she remembers that we were the people who took her in and loved her when her world had fallen apart, and who loved her enough to let her go.