A *disappointing* change in plans

Little did I know when I last posted that fate was not on our side. After all of the drama I went through to get the meds for the IUI this upcoming month, we had a change in insurance and as of Jan. 1 will no longer have fertility coverage. For us, that means we simply cannot afford to proceed with the IUI.

To say that I was crushed when I learned about this is an understatement. I felt like my dream was placed in my hands and then snatched away from me cruelly. To be soooo close to something you want sooo badly and then to have it taken away is horribly heart-wrenching. It's been at least a couple of weeks since we found out about the changes, and it's taken me until now to be even slightly ok with it. Initially I thought that maybe we could proceed without insurance coverage - than the fertility clinic told me it would be roughly $3000 for one IUI cycle, and we just don't have that kind of money right now (or will we ever??). Yeah, that was not good news. But, we do have a plan...

Most of you are aware of my current job situation - it's temporary, and most likely I will no longer be employed as of the end of January, maybe February at the latest. The timeframe isn't certain, but interviews have already been conducted for the position that will replace mine, and I can only assume that those making the hiring decisions are simply waiting until the holidays are over with before an announcement is made. I'm guessing they will give me 2 weeks notice, but I'm not even certain of that.

Anyways, I've been searching for a job for well over a month now, and we are hoping that wherever I end up employed will have good insurance coverage - coverage for infertility treatments. Until then, my fertility meds sit in the fridge, waiting to be used, and we're trying naturally in hopes that we may get incredibly lucky and get pregnant on our own (yeah, not getting my hopes up for that one!).

I'm keeping my chin up, grateful that we at least had coverage for all of the fertility testing we went through and I at least have some answers as to why I'm not getting pregnant. And I still have hope that one way or another, 2012 will be the year we finally become parents.

Life is good :)

Yes, life is good. Really, really good :). Maybe it is part of Heavenly Father's plan to have all this IUI stuff work out for us, because sure enough, the injectable meds I need to take for the best success possible were pretty much covered under our insurance. We still had to fork out roughly $280, but that was for 3 different meds - all of which arrived at our house today! I won't need them for about another 2-3 weeks at the earliest (I think, lol), but I like to be prepared, and having the meds already on hand helps me stress less.

Yes, I'm stressed. But I'll get to that in a minute ;). First, let me update you on the whole insurance/meds issue. Can I just say that it drives me crazy when people - especially within the same company - are NOT on the same page. First Caremark (our prescription pharmacy) tells me Gonal-F is gonna be at least $1000 for a small dosage (and I was gonna need A LOT), and that I need pre-authorization for it. Then I'm told it will be at least $1500 for that small dosage. Then I discover I'm being prescribed Follistim instead of the Gonal-F, and when I call to talk to Caremark about it, I find out I don't need a pre-authorization for it afterall (that's only needed for the HCG trigger shot), and I'm told it's $87.50 per 900 units (I need 1200 total). Um ok, HUGE DIFFERENCE PEOPLE! I understand that the cheaper price is for a different drug, but they do the same thing and Follistim is actually stronger than Gonal-F, so I think it's pretty safe to assume that the price differences should be small (plus my fertility clinic told me that too). Anyhow, when the woman I spoke to at Caremark told me that all the drugs I would need would be under $200 total, I had to force myself to not cry on the phone. Yeah, totally serious about that. I told her she had completely made my day, and can I just add that she was soooo sweet about everything too, even wishing me good luck with my baby in the future. Yes, there really are good hearted people out there still :). (Besides all of you of course!)

Anyways, so after confirming some things with the fertility clinic, I got a call from Caremark to schedule the delivery of my medications! These type of medications have to come from a speciality pharmacy, so they get shipped to me, overnight. Although the Caremark representative was able to tell me that I would have a copay that would need to be paid before the meds shipped, she unfortunately could not tell me what the copay would be. Ugh - yet again there I was waiting...yeah, it had been a week by this time - that's too long to wait to know something so important!! Thankfully I didn't have to wait more than a few hours, and found out I owed just a little over $280. Yet again, that was not the under $200 total I was told I would have before, but whatever - it was good enough! The meds were ordered, I paid, and they were on their way. Jeremy had the day off today, and when I got home from work he had already unpacked everything for me and put the Follistim in the fridge (it has to be kept cool) and everything else in it's proper place. Yeah!!

Ok, back to me being stressed. Nervous is actually a better way to sum up how I'm feeling right now. So as if just not being able to get pregnant in the first place isn't nerve-wracking enough, let's add on the insurance complications! I'm glad it's pretty much figured out now, but geesh, what a way to work up a girl's emotions!! Because I thought I was waiting for a pre-authorization from my insurance company, I was trying to be patient and wait until I heard back from the fertility clinic as to whether or not I had been approved and we could go ahead and get the order started so I could find out the price. Yeah, trying is the key word there, lol. Friday I called the clinic and there hadn't been any word yet. So I was forced to wait until Monday, when I swear I called the fertility clinic about 4 times asking about the pre-authorization and other things I was trying to figure out. I'm at the point now where all I have to do is say my name and they know who I am....lol...Anyways, then of course today I have to call them again because the pharmacy forgot to give me the "pen" I need to actual inject the meds (the clinic has extras so they will give me one when I go up for my next appointment). They must love hearing from me, lol...if my calls start going unanswered I'll know it's because they've learned my phone number and don't want to answer any more of my questions, lol. Nah, they're actually always sooo nice and understanding, thank goodness!

So the insurance/meds mess was my big stressor for awhile, but now that that's taken care of, reality is starting to sink in a little more, and my nerves are starting to get on edge a bit about this whole process. For one thing, I hate needles, and injecting myself every day (especially now that I have the meds and can see what the needles look like) makes me feel slightly nauseated. Thankfully Jeremy has lots of experience sticking people with needles, so that's his job in this process (other than the obvious of course, lol).

Most of my anxiety about all of this though comes from the potential results. Of course if we're successful my elation will be too immense for words....but if we're not, well, that's it for fertility treatments (other than maybe just some cycles of pills which I don't really have any faith in). I'm determined to be a mother, one way or another, but I desperately want my own biological child. If we have to adopt I will love that child more than life itself, but if we aren't forced to go that route, I don't want to. And that's what I'm worried about - I don't want to have to go that route. I want a child that's me and Jeremy. I wanna go through morning sickness (yeah, call me crazy, lol), have cravings, gain weight for a logical, accepted reason, and experience childbirth. I want to watch our child grow into an adult from infancy. When it comes down to it, I'll take whatever I can get, biological or adopted child, but this whole fertility testing process has really reinforced my desire for a biological child. The two weeks I have to wait after the insemination to find out if I'm pregnant will probably be the longest two weeks of my life. And then of course if we are lucky and get pregnant, I'll be a worry-wart through the entire first trimester, thanks to my previous miscarriage.

Hopefully I won't have to wait too much longer though...if all goes as planned, we should know if we're pregnant no later than February 18 or 19, which means my first trimester would be over no later than April/May...here's to hoping February hurries up and gets here!!

Fertility Future, Part 2

Did you get enough of a breather, lol?? Ok, here we go...Part 2!

So my insurance has no coverage limits for infertility diagnosis. It does, however, put a $1500 lifetime maximum on infertility treatments. That include medications. We have what is known as a Health Reimbursement Account, which means that our insurance gives us an allocated amount to use for "free" before we start paying anything (including copays!). We are given $650. Ironic, aye? (remember, the IUI procedure and the things included with it should come out to be about $650.) That DOES count toward the $1500 max though, so that means that if the IUI cost $650, we only have another $850 that the insurance will cover to any degree. That remaining $850 will only require us to make our copays, but once we've reached that limit, we're completely on our own.

Here's the problem...the FSH injections (Follistim) are not cheap. My doctor originally told me that I would be taking an injectable called Gonal-F (instead of Follistim). After speaking to my insurance this morning, I was told that I could expect 900 units of the Gonal-F to cost about $1500. Well, my doc told me that I would need to take roughly 260 units A DAY for 12 DAYS, which means I would need over 3000 units...which means it would cost more than $5000 JUST FOR THE MEDS! Um yeah, sooo not gonna happen.

After talking to a lot of you last night on Facebook, I decided this morning that I needed to call my fertility clinic and ask them about the meds. What I found out was fantastic! After I left my appointment last night, my doctor apparently reviewed my case and decided that she wanted me to take Follistim instead of the Gonal-F, and since it's stronger than the Gonal-F, I will only need 100 units of it a day. According to the nurse I spoke with at the clinic, usually the Follistim costs about $100 per 100 units. Which means that over the course of the 12 days I need to take it, it should be roughly $1200. Yeah, that's a HUGE difference!! Anyways, my insurance requires prior authorization before I can take/it will cover any injectable medication, so today the nurse I spoke with was going to get the process started so that I can stop worrying. Seriously, there are such incredible people working there!! She's ordering the Follistim through the specialty pharmacy (normal pharmacies don't generally carry FSH injectables), they will send her an authorization form for the insurance approval, she will submit that to my insurance, they will approve or deny it, and then she will call me to let me know what the EXACT cost will be. From what I am told the authorization usually only takes a couple of days, so I am hoping that I hear sooner rather than later. Approval from the insurance companies depends on whether or not they feel that the medicine is medically necessary for what I am doing...if they deny it, I'll be shocked. I really can't forsee that happening, especially since it says in my coverage (and I verified it more than once with insurance in the past 12 hours, lol) that medications for the treatment of infertility are covered to a certain amount.

Sooooo, now it's a waiting game. I swear Heavenly Father has a sense of humor...He knows I'm not a patient person, and let me tell you, this ENTIRE infertility issue has been the biggest test in patience for me EVER, lol! If it all works out like I'm hoping it will, we will end up paying, out of pocket, about $450 for EVERYTHING. Now that's affordable!! What sucks is that if this IUI cycle doesn't work, we won't be able to afford to do it again, since we will have maxed out our lifetime benefits...unless...I get a new job, with health insurance that has fertility benefits. Then we will switch to that insurance and maybe we will try again!

Anyways, I think I about covered everything...except I wanted to say to all of you, THANK YOU!!! Never before have I felt so much support and love from people all over the globe for what we are going through. I cannot even begin to express to you all how much it means to me to know that you are praying for us, thinking of us, giving us your advice, helping us in any way you can. It has been your support that has seriously gotten me through all of this, and I cannot thank you all enough!! I love you all!

Fertility Future, Part 1

*Warning: This is a long post, with more information than you may care to know, lol...*

What an emotional rollercoaster the past 24+ hours have been. I was incredibly nervous going into my appointment, elated when I was told we were good candidates for IUI, and then the worry about the medication costs set in on my drive home. And then, I called the insurance company and was told that the least I could expect to pay for only a third of the medication I would need was probably $1000. Yeah, soooo not in the budget. Then today, I'm told that's wrong...needless to say, I'm emotionally exhausted, and it isn't over yet. Before I get more into all of that though, let me talk more about what I found out at my follow-up consultation yesterday.

First off, let me just say for the billionth time that I absolutely LOVE this fertility clinic. They are all sooo nice, so caring, and so sensitive. I'm so grateful for that! So my doctor reviewed all the results of both Jeremy's tests and my tests, and here's what I learned:

The Good
1. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with Jeremy. His tests all came back well above where they need to be, so we know he is not contributing at all to me not getting pregnant. Good news!
2. My good and bad cholesterol levels are all normal and in a healthy range, and both Jeremy and I tested negative for the slew of things they tested us for.
3. My hysteroscopy back in November showed that I had some tissue that my body didn't get rid of when I had my miscarriage back in 2009. Thankfully the hysteroscopy removed it, and it shouldn't be a problem in the future. (It being there could lead to future miscarriages, so I'm glad it's gone!)
4. My fallopian tubes are completely open.

The Not So Good
1. My PCOS is producing a crazy amount of eggs. This wasn't too surprising to hear since my doc had show at least 20 of them to me when I had an ultrasound done back in October.
2. Because I produce so many eggs, some of them are bound to be made up of some abnormal chromosomes...this is most likely what caused my miscarriage in 2009 (although there's no way to be 100% sure, it's a pretty good guess).
3. My body has a hard time metabolizing folic acid correctly - which is sooo important during pregnancy! Because of that, I have to take medicine to correct that, from now until the time my first trimester ends, whenever that happens!
4. Somehow they have tests that measure how close you are to starting menopause ( I can't remember exactly what it is that they measure). A menopausal woman measures at a 10 - at age 28 I'm measuring at 7.5...I should be between a 4-6. Basically, it just means I have less time than someone else my age to get pregnant (like I really needed something else working against me!).

Overall I am pleased with the results of all the testing. One thing is for sure - I now definitely believe in seeing a fertility specialist and going through the tests for anyone who has unsuccessfully been trying to get pregnant for awhile. We were going to do IUI in Fairbanks but decided against it because the timing wasn't right for us financially - I can't help but think how that may have been a blessing in disguise...had we had a successful IUI cycle without me knowing about my folic acid deficiency or the excess tissue from my previous miscarriage, we could have lost the baby or had a child born with serious health problems.

Anyways, here's the overall conclusion: The only thing standing in our way of getting pregnant is my PCOS. I can't even begin to explain to you how relieved I am to have heard my doctor say that. I went into the appointment prepared to be told that I would never be able to get pregnant. Instead, I'm told that pregnancy is totally possible. Saying that I was relieved would be the understatement of the century!

My doctor recommended IUI, done with injectable FSH (follicle stimulating hormone). So here's the plan:
1. Wait until my cycle starts again, and call the clinic the first day. If I don't start on my own by New Years then I will once again take Provera for 10 days to jumpstart my cycle (the last time I took it I started the day after I stopped taking it).
2. On day 3 of my cycle I will go to the clinic for an ultrasound and bloodwork. That's also when I will start injecting myselg with a drug called Follistem (the FSH medicine).
3. For the next 12 days approximately (give or take a day or two) I will inject myself daily - really I should say that Jeremy will be injecting me, since I have a fear of needles and there is no way in heck that I could poke myself daily with a needle in my abdomen or thigh!!
4. During the 12 days I am injecting the FSH I will go to the clinic every 4 days for an ultrasound and bloodwork, where they will measure the follicles I have growing inside.
5. When I have some (or maybe just 1? but I'm guessing at least 2) good sized follicles, they will give me what is known as an HCG trigger shot, which will induce ovulation.
6. 36 hours after the trigger shot Jeremy and I will be back in the clinic. Jeremy will give his sample, they "wash" it (basically they seperate the sperm from the seminal fluid, and the not so good sperm are left behind), and they will then place it directly inside of my uterus using a special catheter and syringe. The idea is that the sperm will be right there waiting for the egg. Usually sperm have to travel through a pretty hostile environment to get to the uterus, so IUI removes those obstacles:).
7. After the procedure I will go back to the clinic a few more times to do bloodwork to measure my progesterone and other things that are needed to sustain a healthy pregnancy.
8. Two weeks after the procedure, I go in and they tell me if I'm pregnant!
9. If I am, I will see my fertility doctor up until I am 10 weeks, and then start going strictly to my OB/GYN in Lake Havasu, and the rest is history!

Phew...are you tired of reading yet? Yeah, there's more...sorry, lol! So the IUI - which includes my ultrasound on day 3, the collection and wash of Jeremy's sperm, my bloodwork, the ultrasounds throughout the whole process, and the actual insemination - should be roughly $650. But then there's the cost of the medications...that's the game changer...

Ok, take a breather...that's the end of Part 1, lol!

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

Not much has been going on fertility-wise this past month, but per a friend's request, I'm updating my blog today nonetheless - you know who you are ;).

It's been more than a month now since my last entry, and since all my tests were completed. When I scheduled my follow-up consultation with the fertility clinic, I was NOT happy that I was going to have to wait an entire month before seeing my doctor again. Did they not have anything sooner? Apparently not. So, the date was set for Dec. 5, and what'ya know, that's TOMORROW! I totally thought the month of November was going to creep by, but it actually passed pretty quickly - thank goodness :). We all know I'm not patient, so a slowly passing month would've driven me crazy!

Anyways, so tomorrow is the day when I find out the results of all of my tests and the tests Jeremy had done. I already know some of the results - my fallopian tubes are open, I had 3 polyps on my uterus, I definitely have PCOS. But tomorrow I will get to sit down with my doctor, review ALL of the results, and hear her tell me if IUI is an option for us. It's a day I've waited for for a LONG time, and I'm glad it's finally here. But, to be perfectly honest, I'm nervous and scared.

You see, throughout this whole process I've tried not to get my hopes up, keeping in mind that we can't afford IVF, and that if IUI or other methods don't look promising for us, we will begin the adoption process once again. But I failed - my hopes for having our own biological child are totally up...that's why I'm nervous and scared about tomorrow's appointment. If my doctor gives me bad news, I'll be completely crushed :(. If it's good news, I'll hardly be able to contain my excitement! I know Heavenly Father has a plan for our family, but that's not always the easiest thing to accept, especially when it seems like everyone around me is pregnant or already has children. But, I trust in God's plan for us, and if I don't get the news I want to hear tomorrow, I'll know that my plan and Heavenly Father's are not the same - it wouldn't be the first time that's happened, especially in this arena, lol.

So tomorrow is the day. The day our future will start to change forever, one way or the other. Here's to hoping it goes well!

Understanding PCOS

Since my first consultation with my fertility specialist, I have wanted to blog in order to better explain Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I was diagnosed with the disorder roughly 2 years ago, but the way it was recently explained to me completely opened my eyes to just why PCOS has made pregnancy such a hard thing for me.

Many of you know about PCOS (and indeed some of you have it yourselves), but I encourage all of you to read this in hopes that it may be just as enlightening to you as it was to me. And, PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women - you never know who it may affect - so you may be doing yourself, your daughter, your friend - a huge favor to know what it is and what the symptoms are.

First of all, I'm going to explain what PCOS is and why it makes pregnancy difficult. Then I'll explain the signs/symptoms of PCOS. I made some drawings to try to better illustrate my points. I'm by no means an artist, but I think they get the point across :).

To be vague, PCOS is a hormonal disorder involving a woman's reproductive hormones. For a woman NOT experiencing PCOS, at the start of each menstrual cycle, a woman's estrogen levels are low, and that is when the brain sends a signal to the reproductive organs to begin sending out FSH (follicle-stimulating hormone). FSH causes a woman's follicles to develop into a mature egg that can eventually be fertilized. Although several follicles generally begin to develop, one is usually dominant - receiving more of the FSH - and is the egg that eventually is released from the ovary - it is, per say, the strongest of the bunch - while the remaining follicles disintegrate.

When a woman has PCOS, her cycle begins the same way. When FSH begins to be sent out, in essence, a competition begins for the many follicles to become the "most mature." However, no dominant follicle presents itself, and in general, no one egg becomes the most mature. An egg may not be released at all, or if it is, it generally is not a very good quality egg and thus if it is by chance fertilized, can result in miscarriage, birth defects, etc. In the meantime, the other follicles that were trying to mature do NOT disintegrate as they should, and thus cause what look like cysts on the ovaries (my doctor pointed out that they are actually NOT cysts as the name of the disorder implies, but are, essentially, eggs).

Here's a diagram of what the ovaries look like at the beginning of a woman's cycle:

Notice that the PCOS ovary has MANY more follicles present than the normal ovary.

Now here is what the ovaries look like right before the egg is released:

Again, notice that there is a dominant egg in the normal ovary, whereas the PCOS ovary has no dominant egg about to breakthrough.

Do those diagrams help PCOS make more sense to you? Maybe it doesn't clarify it for you like it did for me, but honestly, this was a major breakthrough in understanding for me. No one had ever explained PCOS to me like this before, and once I understood it I really began to understand why PCOS patients have a horribly hard time getting pregnant and keeping their babies if they do conceive.

Ok, so here's what you really need to know about PCOS. I know that some of these things can be embarrassing for people to admit, but know that you (or your daughter, friend, etc.) are NOT alone. I'll admit that I suffer from almost every single one of these symptoms.

Symptoms (in no particular order or importance or dominance):

1. Irregular/abnormally long periods - a normal cycle is generally no more than 35 days long. This one symptom by itself should be enough to prompt a visit to your doctor.

2. Hair growth on the face, back, chest, toes, stomach, thumbs - PCOS patients have excess testosterone in their system, the cause for this embarrassing "manly" attribute.

3. Difficulty losing weight/gaining weight - a majority of women with PCOS have a hard time losing weight and keeping it off.

4. Difficulty getting pregnant - there are a lot of things that can contribute to an inability to conceive, but it's worth asking about PCOS if you've been trying unsuccessfully for more than a year (I wouldn't even wait that long).

5. Blood sugar issues - women with PCOS can have problems with insulin resistance, and are at risk for developing diabetes

6. Skin problems like acne, dandruff, oily skin and skin discolorations

Keep in mind that not every one of these symptoms have to be present in order to have a PCOS diagnosis. Likewise, my doctor also emphasized that PCOS is a very loosely used diagnosis and may very well be given to women who do not have the disease. The only way to know for sure is to talk to your doctor about your symptoms and have the necessary tests done that can determine if PCOS is the cause.

I realize I've given a lot of information in this post, and for anyone wondering if they or someone they know has PCOS, I would be happy to answer any questions you have. Feel free to ask me in the comments here, on Facebook, or you can send me a private message on FB if you feel more comfortable. PCOS has forever changed my life, and I'm here to help. I'm also here to be a support to others suffering from this. Please feel free to share this post with anyone you feel may benefit from it.

I survived

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...ok, I wasn't really petrified, but by the crocodile tears running down my face as I sat in the fertility clinic business office this morning, you would have thought I was scared for my life. Don't worry - everything's great, I just got a little shaken up. I'll tell you why in just a second :).

First, let me recap what happened on Monday. After working 3.5 hours, I made the now-tedious drive to Vegas for my early cycle blood work and ultrasound. Seriously, the appointment made me a little angry, but I got over it quickly. I mean really, did I seriously have to drive all the way to Vegas for an appointment that took no more than 15 minutes? It's at times like those that I have to remind myself what the purpose of all of this is. Anyways, Monday's appointment was easy - 1 tube of blood and an ultrasound that showed all of my maturing eggs this cycle. Yeah - there is no doubt I have PCOS after that ultrasound. One day I'm going to draw some diagrams, take pictures of them and post them on my blog to explain PCOS better (because it's seriously so much easier to understand with pictures!) but for now you'll just have to try to understand my written explanations. Basically, a healthy woman without PCOS should have about 6-10 eggs each cycle. I had MORE THAN 20. Just how many more than 20 I'm not exactly sure (it wasn't too many more than 20), but still....that's nuts!! Anyways, it was oddly reassuring to see that my body was screwed up - it helps me know that we are doing the right thing by seeking help from fertility specialists. Anyways, the drive home Monday was horrible - thank you mom for keeping me awake by talking to me on the phone! Yeah, I was so tired I'm surprised I could drive at all. Yet another good reason why I stayed in Vegas tonight instead of driving home.

Ok, so on to today and my crocodile tears. First of all let me say that in the past couple of days I really started to get nervous about this HSG procedure today (it's supposed to be pretty painful). I shed a few tears at home wishing I didn't have to go alone and wishing I could know how painful it would be for me, but Jeremy's work schedule just wouldn't allow for him to come with me, and really, the only way I am going to know how painful it is is to have it done. Anyways, I got up bright and early today and was on the road to Vegas at 6:30 a.m. I needed to be at the clinic to do all my necessary paperwork by 9:30. I arrived with time to spare, and impatiently waited for my turn. I was finally called back, and that's when the drama began.

When I first had my consultation, I was told that I would have 3 diagnostic tests done in the surgery center affiliated with the clinic. One of those tests (a hysteroscopy) would require me to be put under anesthesia. Jeremy and I decided that we would forego that test (it didn't seem completely necessary to me at the time anyway) since having him there to take care of me after I was put under anesthesia would be difficult to manage. Well, today when I was filling out paperwork in the business office, I'm given a consent form to sign for anesthesia! Um, no, I'm not having that procedure done...I'm not going under...Almost immediately I started tearing up while telling the office manager (not sure if that's really her title, but that's what I'm gonna call her) I was not having a procedure requiring anesthesia. She then asked the xray tech who was there if I needed anesthesia for the HSG procedure (the one I was planning on having done that wasn't supposed to require anesthesia), and he said yes! Well, I pretty much lost it. I felt like such a big baby. I'm sitting in the office manager's office crying my eyes out thinking that I drove 3 hours on an almost empty stomach, took time off of work, got a non-refundable hotel reservation and stressed myself out about this, and now you're pretty much telling me I can't have the procedure done?! And on top of that I'm not allowed to pee because I have to have a full bladder (and trust me, I had to go!). Yeah, not a good way to start the day.

Anyways, to make a long story short, the doctor stepped in and told me that I indeed did NOT need anesthesia for the HSG, and that if I chose to have the hysteroscopy done today as well then she could just give me localized anesthesia, which would allow me to drive myself to the hotel. She also informed me that if the test I was supposed to have tomorrow showed anything in my uterus, I would have to come back the next week to have the hysteroscopy done anyway. If I had the hysteroscopy today, there would be no need for the test tomorrow. After an internal dilemma of what I wanted to do, trying to figure out things with my insurance, and calming myself down so I could make a rational decision, I went ahead with the HSG AND the hysteroscopy, both under local anesthesia.

So, without boring you with anymore of the details, let me first say that the HSG (which injects dye into my fallopian tubes to see if there are any blockages) showed the my tubes are OPEN! Yeah!! Secondly, during the hysteroscopy the doctor found 3 polyps that she removed from my uterus - polyps can implant on the uterus and take up space in areas where embryos try to implant. So it was definitely a wise choice for me to have the hysteroscopy done today. My follow-up consultation is Dec. 5, and that's when we will see where we go from here (sooo wish I didn't have to wait so long!).

Now, on to the pain part. In the past I have had to have numerous procedures done on my feminine parts. Generally I'm told by the doctor that I will feel some degree of pain or pressure, and generally, the procedure is pretty much done before I even realize she's started. Yes, I'm that lucky. Today I didn't get off so easy, but the cramping I felt with the HSG was no worse than my normal period cramps. Actually, my normal cramps last MUCH longer. One person I know of said that the cramping they felt was worse than labor pains...I don't know what labor pains feel like, but I consider myself lucky. I have a feeling the anesthesia helped :). I cramped a little bit off and on for the next couple of hours once the procedure was over, but that's been about it!

Anyways, let me end this since this is a super long post. I don't have to go in tomorrow since I opted to do the 2 tests today, but because I was tired and under the direction of my doctor I decided to stay the day/night in Vegas and drive back to Lake Havasu in the morning. It's been a pretty good day ( I got some shopping in and ate some good food :) ) but I am bummed that I didn't make it to the temple...I knew there was no way I could go feeling as tired as I do, so I will have to save that for another time. I was pretty tired shortly after the procedure, but I discovered long ago that if I nap during the day I have trouble sleeping at night, so I forced myself to stay awake all day. Add on getting lost driving around Vegas (I desperately need to update my GPS maps) and I'm exhausted. I think it's time for me to go enjoy the gorgeous view of the strip I have from my hotel room :).

This is the week

Well, this is the week. The week of tests, that is. In less than a week I will have completed all the tests I will undergo before we decide if IUI is right for us. I'm excited to get this show on the road.

Monday I will work for 4 hours, then drive the 3 hours to Vegas for an ultrasound and lots of bloodwork (since apparently 26 tubes isn't quite enough, lol). Then, I'll drive home, only to make the return trip to Vegas on Thursday morning again. That's when I will be having a test done that will inject dye into my fallopian tubes to ensure there are no blockages, and hopefully I'll survive the pain. I'm supposed to take 600 mg of Ibuprofen the night before the procedure, another 600 mg about 30 minutes beforehand, and then my doctor will be giving me 800 mg to take afterwards. Fun fun. Thankfully I am staying in Vegas overnight, so I'll go from the clinic to my hotel to recover. I'm hoping I will feel well enough that night to make it to the LDS temple. Then, Friday morning I will be back at the clinic for another procedure that will look more at my ovaries and uterus to make sure that there isn't anything "hanging out" in me that shouldn't be there, lol. And then, I will drive home and wait until my follow-up appointment to see where we go from here.

I'm so glad I found this fertility clinic. They are so on top of things, and they are soooo nice. I feel completely comfortable around everyone who I have worked with there so far, and I don't expect that anyone else I meet there will be any different. They have been so accommodating of my schedule, and are respectful of my wishes. It's too bad not all doctors/doctor offices are so nice! My reasons for getting all this testing done make the 3 hour one-way drive worth it, but their warmth certainly is a very pleasant bonus :).

So, this is the week. I'm so glad it's here. I'm ready to be done with the testing, and even more ready to be a mommy - every test that is out of the way makes me feel one step closer to reaching my goal :).

26 tubes of blood later...

Yeah, you read that title right. Twenty-six tubes of blood. In one day - 25 of them in one sitting. The only reason it wasn't 26 the first time is because the lab tech didn't see the 26th bottle sitting there, waiting to be filled - thus, I had to go back later for that one. What a start to a day!

While I impatiently wait for my cycle to start (only 2 more days of taking the Provera, which is supposed to jump start it), I figured I would get some of the needed blood work done. So, this morning I was up bright and early and waiting outside the lab at 6:40 a.m. - with about 20 other people. Have you ever seen a lab that busy at that time of morning? Welcome to a retirement community in Arizona! Most of the people waiting were fasting and I'm sure were looking to get their tests out of the way first thing...what they didn't anticipate was a 28-year-old trying to get pregnant tying things up as they waited. I must admit I felt a little awkward sitting there waiting with all the people who could have been my grandparents, especially since I had 3 lab slips and a box and most of them only had one, lol. Oh well.

Have I ever mentioned that I really don't like needles? Yeah, I pretty much hate them. Thankfully the tech was nice, and advancements in the phlebotomy world made it so I didn't have to get poked more than once for the first 25 tubes. I don't think I'll ever get used to having my blood drawn, but by the time all of this is over and done with, I'm sure I will be at least a little more "numb" to it, lol!

Anyways, I'm glad I got the majority of the blood work out of the way. When I go in for my Day 3 ultrasound I will have to have more blood drawn, and I have no idea how many tubes that will be. I'm sure there will probably be more in the future too. At least I know it's all for a good cause ;).

Anyhow, moving on from the insane amount of blood I had taken today, can I just say that I was soooo wrong about the Provera suppressing my appetite?! Sure, for the first 2 or 3 days eating anything sweet made my stomach hurt, and I didn't feel like eating very much overall. But after that, oh yeah, watch out! I've been ravenous!! It seems to be tapering off a little now, thank goodness. Other than food aversions/affections, I didn't think I was having any side effects from taking the Provera...wrong! So it generally takes A LOT to upset me and I'm a pretty optimistic person, but I have had a few days where I have been soooooo moody I hardly even recognize myself! Thankfully Jeremy has been spared any of the moodiness (at least I think he has, lol)...but my poor dogs, they are another story. Our puppy in particular - Lily - has been driving me absolutely crazy. It doesn't help that we've had a horribly hard time training her. Hopefully that will soon end though - tonight I enrolled her in a 6 week obedience class at Petsmart :), and we start Nov. 2. I can hardly wait. In the meantime, I'm glad I won't be on the Provera long enough to have Lily drive me nuts more than normal.

For now though, I keep taking my medicine and waiting for my cycle to start...I hope I'm lucky and it will start sooner rather than later, because patience is definitely NOT one of my virtues, and honestly, I really don't feel like developing it at the moment, lol.

One more thing before I close. I just want to thank all of you for your support. You have no idea how much it means to me to know that there are so many people rooting for our success. Infertility testing/treatments are definitely trying to say the least, and each and every one of you are helping me to handle it well. Thank you for being such good friends :).

A good day

I love good days. Really though, who doesn't? Being that I am generally an optimistic person, it's odd for me to not have good days (yeah, I definitely consider myself lucky!). Today was better than just "good" though.

Today was my first day taking Provera, the "jump start" medicine that will get the ball rolling with my cycle and hopefully lead to bigger and better things :). Thus far I haven't had any side effects (aside from maybe suppressed appetite, but I'm TOTALLY ok with that, lol), so that's always a good sign. Nine more days to go! To say I'm a little excited about this whole process is probably the understatement of the century - not that anyone can tell I'm excited or anything ;).

Anyways, so I talked to my boss today about needing off for at least a couple of days sometime in the near future, and she was so understanding about the whole thing. I'm so blessed to not only have an amazing job that I love, but to have a boss who is supportive of the things I am going through at the moment (on a side note though, she isn't the first boss I have had that has been extremely supportive - guess I've just lucked out a lot!). I was definitely nervous asking her if she would be ok with me taking the days off when the time came, but it's clear that she knows this is important to me, and given how quickly I am turning around all the projects she has been asking me to take care of and my offer to work extra hours to make up for the time I will be taking off, it would honestly be silly for her to say no. Still, this is only the start of my third week working there, so I'm definitely feeling grateful that she said yes.

I also got to spend time today with Leah, who is quickly becoming one of my closest friends here. Ever since we moved from Fairbanks I've really struggled to find good friends. I've kept saing to Jeremy, "I need to find my Erika here." (Erika is one of my best friends, who I met in Alaska and sorely miss!) It always seems like everyone has their clicks formed and there's no room for anyone else, but the ward (church) I'm in here in Lake Havasu has been different. From the get go I've felt welcomed and included, and each week it gets better and better. Leah is a single mom with an adorable 6-year-old son, and we've really clicked in the short time we've known each other. And she is going to be a great support during all that I will be going through the next little while with all of this fertility stuff - already she has offered to accompany me to Vegas when I next go, which is a big relief to me since driving 6 hours each way by myself again is sooooo unappealing (Jeremy's work schedule really doesn't allow for him to go with me to all these appointments). She is an amazing woman, and I look forward to getting to know her better as time goes on, as well as many other women in my ward who I've started to bond with.

I'm also grateful for my amazing husband. Yesterday morning before church I was thinking about how badly I needed to clean the house. I didn't say anything to Jeremy about it, so imagine my surprise when I got home and he had cleaned the entire house! (By the way, that's not really a rare occurrence, but it surprises me every time nonetheless!) I love that we never walk out the door or hang up the phone without saying I love you, and that he never fails to make me laugh. I love that he knows how important creating friendships are to me, and how he encourages me to step out of my comfort zone and reach out to others because he knows in the end it will be beneficial to me. I love that he always listens to me, even when I'm discussing every nitty gritty detail of all of this fertility stuff and not making any sense at all. I could go on and on, but I'll stop there, lol.

One more thing to be grateful for today...I had Dairy Queen tonight, and although it tasted absolutely fabulous, my tummy isn't liking it so much. Why on earth would I be grateful for that?! Because it means I will be less tempted to indulge in sweets, which have always been my weakness :). Oh and I almost forgot...they have snow on the ground in Fairbanks, and it was 100 degrees here today...SOOO grateful I don't have to deal with snow for half the year! (Sorry to all my friends in Fairbanks that don't like the snow - I'll think about you all winter long.)

I love being grateful. I love that my dad taught me by his example to always look for the best in people and in every situation in life.

"Each day offers us the gift of being a special occasion if we can simply learn that as well as giving, it is blessed to receive with grace and a grateful heart." (Sarah Ban Breathnach)

Today my heart is more than grateful.

Hope

Well, there is hope after all :). My appointment yesterday at the fertility clinic went fabulously and to say that I am excited for the future would be a HUGE understatement. It was a long day for me overall - working for 4 hours, driving 3 hours there, having an 1.5 hour appointment, and then driving 3 hours home - but is was more than worth it.

Without boring you all with every detail, let me give you the basic rundown instead.

How it went
First and foremost, I am nothing but impressed with this place. I went to Red Rock Fertility in Las Vegas, and from the moment I walked in the door I felt welcomed. Not only is the atmosphere a professional cozy, more importantly the staff are very friendly and seem to have a sense of how important their job is to each of their patients.

I first met with a nurse who went over some of the clinic's procedures and policies with me, and also took the time to discuss my particular insurance coverage and what I can expect to pay for certain tests along the way. I LOVE that they were completely upfront with me and really seem to have my best interest at heart.

After meeting with the nurse I met the Advanced Nurse Practitioner who I will be working with for the majority of this process (who I will just refer to as N), and again, SOOOO impressed by her. She is professional, friendly, and most importantly, she knows what she's talking about. In the time I met with her she helped me better understand PCOS, and for the first time since my diagnosis I was able to actually realize why it makes healthy, viable pregnancies difficult to achieve. I wish I could draw a diagram and show you all what she showed me!

Anyways, N had already reviewed my records from my previous OB/GYN (all 54 pages!) before I had arrived, and had them readily available so I could ask specific questions and she could give specific answers. We talked about my cycles, what we need to find out before we proceed with any sort of treatment, and what my expectations are. Again, she was so incredibly understanding and she took the time to answer all of my questions (which were definitely NOT in short supply, lol).

So, here's....

What happens next
Although both Jeremy and I have been through fertility-related tests in the past, it's been awhile, so my doctor wants to get updated results. Although Jeremy only has a few things he has to do, I on the other hand have a whole heap of tests to go through - some of them I have had in the past, but most of them I haven't. There's a lot of blood work I have to get done, and thankfully all of Jeremy's tests and my blood work can be done right here in Lake Havasu instead of in Vegas. We can get those tests/blood work done at any time over the next couple of weeks.

The rest isn't quite as easy, lol. First of all, a lot of my testing needs to be done within the first week or so of my cycle. Since PCOS makes it difficult for me to determine when a new cycle will begin, I am going to start taking a drug to jump start it. I'll take 10 pills (one a day), and hopefully my new cycle will begin the day after I take my last pill.

On day 3 of my cycle, I will go back to Vegas to have more blood work done and to have an ultrasound done that will check for abnormalities on my ovaries and uterus. Sometime between days 7-10, I will have two more tests done. One test will use X-ray and check to make sure my fallopian tubes are open and unobstructed. The other is an ultrasound exam that uses fluid to identify any lesions in my uterine cavity. There's one more test I am supposed to have done, but it's a little more surgical and not completely necessary, so I am almost 100% sure I will not be getting that one done.

Once all of those tests are completed, then I will have a follow-up consultation with N and we will decide what to do from there.

All these tests mean I have to take time off of work and spend a couple days in Vegas (oh darn, lol). Jeremy won't be able to come with me because of his work/call schedule, but we gotta do what we gotta do. I'm a little leery to ask for time off since I have only been at my new job for 2 weeks, but I think my boss will be understanding...I am trying to time things so that I only have to take off 2 days total, so hopefully things will work out accordingly.

The IUI verdict
In my last post I mentioned that a very large part of the reason I was going to Red Rock was to find out if N thought Jeremy and I would be good candidates for IUI. Although she wants to get all of our test results in before she gives me her final decision, as it stands right now she thinks our odds are pretty good. For most people who are trying to conceive, IUI only has a 10-20% success rate. But, because Jeremy and I are young and because of some other factors she saw in our records, along with how successful their clinic generally is, she said we would have about a 45% chance of conceiving. That's almost a 50/50 chance!!! Again, only time will tell if that's true for us, but it was enough to give me hope that we may very well have a child of our own one day :). If IUI looks like it may be successful for us, we will begin that at the start of my next cycle (the one after this "testing" cycle).

So, there you have it. At the end of my consultation with N she said something that totally took me by surprise but gave me more hope than I could have even imagined having. She looked like she was thinking, and then she says, "ok, so if we do this now, that means we'll deliver you in August - it'll be hot, but oh well." Did those words really just come out of her mouth? Is she HONESTLY thinking that I will be delivering my very own baby in August?? I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much about that, knowing very well that the odds generally haven't been in our favor and that many, many, many couples are unsuccessful with IUI. It's also possible that N may have just been saying that to me to keep me optimistic throughout this whole process. Nonetheless, I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best - I really like the month of August :).

The big day

I haven't been very good at keeping up with this blog, but that may change here very soon. Why? Because tomorrow I have an appointment with a top-notch fertility clinic, and one way or another, I'm probably gonna have a lot to talk about.

Ever since Jeremy and I had to stop the foster-adopt process in Maryland, I have slowly been reverting back to the idea that I REALLY want to have a child that is biologically mine if at all possible. It took me quite a long time to adjust to the idea that we would probably never have a child of our own flesh and blood, so it seems like a step backwards almost that I'm now crossing my fingers that we will be able to once again. But this time around, I feel like our chances are better than ever.

This month our health insurance from Jeremy's employer kicked in, and although it doesn't cover very much of any fertility costs, it does cover some. We're taking that "some" and seeing how far it will take us. Unfortunately, there are no fertility specialists in Lake Havasu. In fact, there aren't even any doctors within a 100 mile radius that will perform ANY sort of fertility treatment. So, we'll be traveling 3 hours away to Las Vegas to Red Rock Fertility Clinic. I've read some outstanding reviews about this doctor, and the Advanced Nurse Practitioner who I will be having my consultation with tomorrow specializes in patients dealing with infertility who have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) - just like me - and in less invasive methods of fertility treatments - like Intrauterine Insemination (IUI), which is what we're interested in. (We simply cannot afford IVF, but IUI is MUCH less expensive.)

We aren't getting our hopes up yet, or at least, I'm trying not to, lol. I was excited to make the appointment, I have been looking forward to it ever since, and now that it's happening in less than a day, my excitement is building more and more. You see, IUI generally only has a 10-20% success rate, although my understanding is that some couples have a much better chance at conceiving with IUI than they do naturally. Given the results of various tests Jeremy and I had done when we were living in Fairbanks, my doctor there thought we would be one of those couples who successfully got pregnant through IUI. We didn't do it then because of financial concerns (we wish we had bitten the bullet and just tried it then anyway), but the doc I'm seeing tomorrow has all of our records from Fairbanks, and I'm hoping has already reviewed them and formed an opinion before I get there tomorrow. After she has reviewed all of our previous test results/history, I'm going to ask her to be 100% honest with me and tell me straight up if she thinks we will be successful with IUI. Her answer will determine what our next step is.

Honestly, aside from being excited, I'm extremely nervous. I soooo want her to tell me that IUI is the right course of action for us, but I'm trying to prepare myself for her to tell me it's not. It's very likely that she will want to run more tests before making that decision, and that's something I'm prepared to do. She also specializes in some holistic fertility treatments, and I'm not opposed to trying some of those if they sound legitimate to me. Whatever she tells me tomorrow, I probably won't be ready for it. If it's more tests, I'll be happy she thinks there's still a chance of some sort and be antsy until those tests are done and the results are in. If it's bad news, I'll probably cry the entire 3-hour car ride home and have to force myself not to sulk the whole weekend or longer. And if it's good news, well, wherever you are in the world, my smile will be big enough to reach you.

I should mention that we do have a plan if we get bad news. If indeed we are told that IUI or any other financially feasible treatment method is most likely just a waste of our time and money, we will once again begin the foster-adopt process, this time in Arizona. We ran into a lot of stumbling blocks with that in Maryland, but I have already contacted the appropriate people here and have had discussions with a woman from my church who adopted a daughter through the foster-adopt program locally - she will be an extremely valuable asset in the process if we have to go that route.

So, tomorrow is the big day. It's weird to think that our expanding family's future depends on what I learn at an appointment at 4:30 p.m. tomorrow. Whatever I'm told though, the truth is I'm glad this day is here. We're ready to get this show on the road, whatever that road may be.

Adventures in the Kowalski household

Ok, so I have slacked a little lately in updating the blog, but now's just as good a time as any, right?

Most of you (if not all of you) know by now that we moved to Lake Havasu City, AZ at the start of August. Jeremy got an excellent job here at the local hospital, and he is really enjoying it. He has nice coworkers (even the doctors are nice, which is quite surprising!), and is learning a lot of new things. I'm currently not working, but am hoping to find something soon. Jeremy going back into the medical field and me having a job as well means that we will be able to pay off almost all of our debts within about 3 years - we're stoked for that! It also means that we will have health insurance that very well may pay for some fertility treatments...we're even more excited about that possibility! (more on that in a later post)

Our trip to Arizona overall was pretty uneventful. We drove a 14 foot UHAUL truck and towed our car behind it so that we could bring all of our stuff with us, and having two cats and a dog, plus Jeremy and I in the cab made for some tight quarters at times, but it was well worth it. We were actually supposed to be driving a Budget rental truck, which has significantly more room in the cab than UHAUL trucks do, but when we went to pick it up (the day we were leaving!) we were told they had no tow dollys for our car and weren't sure when they would get one. Thankfully two different UHAUL places worked with us to get what we needed so we could still leave that day. Here's us about to pull out of our townhouse parking lot in Maryland:

Unlike when we drove to Alaska, we had no flat tires and we even managed to avoid any bad weather as we traveled. We left Maryland on a Tuesday afternoon, and were in Arizona by Saturday afternoon. Jeremy had found us a place to live when he was in AZ for his job interview, and we were pleasantly surprised that we were able to move in the day we arrived. It was so nice to pull up to our house with the moving truck and be able to unload everything into our place. I hate clutter, so by about 10 p.m. that night the entire house was completely unpacked and even the artwork was hung on the walls :). Here's our new home sweet home:

Needless to say, we are thrilled to be here. This place is absolutely gorgeous. Jeremy and I lived in Phoenix when we were first married, and I had forgotten how beautiful a desert sunset is. What makes this place even better is that there is a huge lake (thus the city's name of Lake Havasu) that adds to the beauty of the natural landscape here. We feel so lucky and so blessed to be living here.

A change in plans

**Warning - This is a LONG post, lol***

It is with very mixed emotions that I write this post today. Many of you have already heard, but for those who don't know, we have decided to postpone the adoption journey at this time. We are both incredibly disappointed, and are looking forward to being able to get this show on the road again hopefully sooner rather than later.

Two weeks ago Jeremy and I went to the second class we needed to attend in order to become an approved pre-adoptive home, which would then lead to us being able to adopt from the state through the foster care system. Little did we know when that class began that we would not be going back again. Let me explain.

When Jeremy and I realized that having children of our own really wasn't an option, I began exploring adoption options. It didn't take long before I stumbled across information regarding adoptions through the foster care system. Although each state had different requirements, the process overall seemed pretty similar everywhere - get a home study done, get approved, and before you know it, you have a child. It was definitely encouraging to read about it, and we were excited to be able to go forward with it. Not long after Jeremy and I moved to Maryland, I contacted the state department in charge of foster care and adoptions. I explained that we weren't able to have children of our own, and that we really wanted to adopt, and we're hoping to do that through the foster care system. With enthusiasm the woman explained to me that what we wanted to do was completely feasible, and that it was not a difficult process to go through. She got my information, forwarded it to woman in charge of training all prospective foster and adoptive parents, and soon enough we were registered for training and excited to finally have the process underway. The first class went well, and we were excited to go back again. At that point we thought we were well on our way to becoming parents.

At the second class, the woman who oversees foster and adoptive placements in Charles County (where we live) was present. Early on in that session, she asked for a show of hands of who was planning to adopt. A ton of hands went up. Then she asked everyone who was raising their hand to put their hand down if they were NOT planning on fostering before adopting. I think Jeremy and I were the only ones who put down our hands. Then she began to explain that most children who are adopted through the foster care system are adopted by the people who are their foster parents, and she implied that simply adopting from the foster system was not really something the state encouraged or really even did much. That was the first thing that made us feel uneasy and question if our plan was going to work or not.

One thing I had researched before all of this began was whether or not we would be able to adopt a child out of state, or if we would HAVE to adopt through the Maryland foster care system. My research showed, and the woman I spoke to in the very beginning of this process, confirmed that it was perfectly feasible, and not hard at all, to adopt from any other state. It was great news, especially since we really want to adopt a girl who looks as much like us as possible, and we knew that would be easier to do if we could adopt from anywhere in the country. Well, in our second class another couple who is planning to adopt asked about adopting from other states, and the answer given was NOT what we had been told before. It was explained then that although it is possible to adopt out of state, the state doesn't really work very much with those cases, and definitely doesn't really like to work with them. Not what we wanted to hear.

Needless to say Jeremy and I had a bad feeling about our plan the rest of the class. Something didn't seem right - things weren't adding up, and we started to worry. The next day I emailed the Charles County coordinator to get clarification, and within 24 hours she responded and our fears were confirmed. Although the state could help facilitate an out-of-state adoption, the priority of the state was to find foster families - NOT to find adoptive homes. Without agreeing to be foster parents, the chances of us being able to adopt through the state were slim to none - and if it did happen, it could be years before a child was even placed in our home. Neither Jeremy or I are comfortable with being foster parents, so with heavy hearts we decided to stop attending the classes and start exploring other options.

To say that we were crushed is an understatement. We've waited so long to be parents, and we want this so badly, and parenthood finally seemed to be within our reach. Then, in a moment, it was snatched from us, and we were left with nothing. I started looking at private adoption agencies, and about had a heart attack when one I spoke to told me that we could expect to spend anywhere from $20,000-$50,000 on an adoption. Who can afford that?! From what I have learned just from searching the Internet, a lot of people pay for adoption expenses by taking out home equity lines on their houses, getting personal loans, using credit cards. We're not in a place to be able to do any of that. Again, we felt crushed and the situation seemed hopeless.

That second class and the corresponding email communications we received from the state and from the private adoption agency took place on a Tuesday and Wednesday, respectively. On Thursday though, things started to turn around, when Jeremy received a phone call from a hospital where he applied for a cath lab position - in Arizona. Although Jeremy has a stable job here in Maryland, he is not happy there, and within the past month he has been looking for work elsewhere with decent pay. I also have been searching for jobs that will pay me more. But neither of us were having much luck. Jeremy has spent more than 5 years in the medical field, but he really didn't want to go back to it. However, he made good money in the medical field - money that could allow us, given time, to be able to at least afford some sort of loan payments to cover adoption expenses. So, he started applying for cath lab jobs, and on that Thursday evening he was interviewed over the phone by a hospital in Lake Havasu City, Arizona. The town and the job seem ideal to us both, and they are flying him out there this week for an interview in person. Considering they are paying for his flight, rental car and hotel for 3 days - and considering they have only had 2 people apply to the position in the past 4 months - we figure the odds of him getting the job are pretty good. And we're excited about it. We thought Maryland was going to be our permanent home, but if this job works out, Arizona will be called home instead, and we're perfectly OK with that.

Jeremy working in the medical field again means a lot of good things for us. We can pay off our debts, live a more comfortable life and, most importantly, have a family. We have actually decided that we are going to look into intrauterine insemination as a means of getting pregnant whenever we get to where we will call home. If that doesn't work out, we will start looking at all of our adoption options again. Jeremy's making a big sacrifice by going back to a field he isn't thrilled about, but he's more than willing to do it because of what it means for us and our future. I'm so lucky to have him. We've had to deal with a lot of disappointment recently, but things are looking up, and we have a glimmer of hope that things will eventually work out - no matter how long it takes, and no matter where we live, we will be parents someday.

The night we waited for...

Last night was a wonderful night. Why? Because we attended our first class that will lead to us becoming a pre-adoptive home.

There are nine classes total - an orientation, and then eight educational courses that are designed to answer our questions and help us prepare for the challenges we may face when we adopt a child from the foster care system. Last night was the orientation, and Jeremy and I were both suprised to see so many people there - I'm guessing there were over 30 people, all interested in either becoming a foster parent or adopting from the foster care system. It warmed my heart to see so many so willing to take children with troubled pasts into their homes.

The orientation went over a lot of the basic details about the foster care system and what it takes to be an approved, licensed home. Although Jeremy and I will not be foster parents, in order to adopt from the state we have to become a licensed foster care parent, so we will learn a lot about what that involves.

We will have to undergo a homestudy before we can have a child in our home. The homestudy will take an in-depth (and somewhat intrusive) look into our home and lives and determine if our home is safe enough for a child to live in and if we are fit to be parents. We found out last night that we will be given paperwork to get that process started around the 5th class (which is roughly in the middle of August). Once we are given the paperwork and submit it we can expect to meet with the social worker who will do the homestudy within 30 days. The quicker we return the paperwork, the quicker we will be scheduled for the homestudy, so you can bet that we will have our paperwork finished with 24 hours of recieving it, lol. We will also have to have criminal background checks done, and have a doctor sign off that we are in good enough health to raise a child.

We were aware of all of the above requirements before the class, but it was nice to hear more details about all of it last night. In the actual classes (which start next week) we will learn about all sorts of things - loss, attachment, family relationships, discipline and several other topics I can't remember at the moment.

It will definitely be a learning experience, but we're excited to finally have started this process. We have been waiting a very long time to start our own family, and it feels so wonderful to have finally begun that journey :).

A Mother's Love

Last night I woke up after having yet another dream about adoption. Unlike the last adoption-based dream I had, this one involved us adopting about 10 kids...yeah, we're only planning on adopting one, lol.

In the dream the kids we had adopted were all from a sibling group, ranging in age from about 5 to 25 (at least 5 of the 10 kids were in their early to mid 20s). There was too much detail in the dream for me to go into, but there was one thing that stood out to me, so I thought I would share it with all of you.

At one point, one of the older children was sitting at the dinner table, and as I was walking away to do something, he called me a bad word - not one that I'm willing to write, lol. I don't know what provoked him to say it, but nonetheless, he did. I turned around and asked him what he said, to which he replied something along the lines of "nothing," but of course I knew better, so I repeated what he said, and he agreed that it was what came out of his mouth. Then I sent him to his room and told him that he is not to talk to his parents that way.

Ok, so maybe you're wondering why I'm sharing this, lol...What stood out to me about this incident was not that my child called me a bad name - it was that despite being mistreated, I still felt an overwhelming love for that child as well as all the others. I know that parents love their children despite the things their kids do, but of course I haven't had the chance to experience that in person yet. The dream was my first taste of it.

It also reminded me that raising a child adopted from the foster care system isn't going to be easy. We are already well aware that children in the public system have pasts that will have to be dealt with, and we are preparing for that and look forward to our classes which will teach us the best ways to deal with the various issues that may arise. These kids have been through a lot in such a short period of time - some have been through more than you or I may ever experience in our entire lifetime.

But there was one prominent feeling in the dream - love. Despite feeling overwhelmed at times in the dream and not knowing why I was being called a bad name, the love I felt for all these children was so strong, so true, so intense. They were my children, and I loved them no matter what.

Maybe it's a silly idea and maybe it's silly that a dream like that could leave me feeling so good. Not all parts of it make sense to me (like the idea of us having 10 kids, lol). But one thing makes perfect sense - a mother's love knows no bounds, and although I have always known that, I feel like last night I got my first taste of it - and I liked it. :)

This time next year...

Today is Father's day, and as I have sat home sick all weekend, something really exciting occurred to me...if all goes well, we just may be celebrating Father's day next year in our very own home for Jeremy!

I've thought a lot about future holidays with our child, but no thought has ever hit me quite as strongly as this one did today. It's amazing to me that a year ago we were struggling to get pregnant. Now, we are only weeks away from beginning our training classes to become adoptive parents. And hopefully, a year from now we will be well into our journey of parenthood. We are so excited for that time of our lives.

Jeremy is an amazing man. His love and devotion to our little family are incredible, to say the least. I can only begin to imagine what an amazing, proud daddy he will be. I have no doubt that next year when Father's day rolls around, he will deserve every ounce of praise that comes his way, and more. So, in anticipation of all this next year will bring us, happy father's day sweetie...you deserve to be celebrated.

We're registered!

Ok, so just a quick update...We are officially registered for our classes, and will begin those next month (July 12). We are SOOO excited to finally get this process underway! In the meantime, I'm exercising the patience I don't have, lol...

About a week ago I had a dream about adoption. I'm not sure if it's the very first one I have had on the subject, but it's at the very least the first one I can remember at the moment. I can't recall very many details of the dream, but here's what I do remember:

Jeremy and I had just taken our little 5-year-old boy to the circus. We came home, Jeremy carried him up the steps to his room, and laid him in bed, where we both tucked him in, and I kissed him goodnight on his forehead. And that was it...

I can still see the little boy in my head. He had bleach blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and pale, fair skin. And he was ABSOLUTELY adorable (that's an understatement). What I remember most of all though, is the feeling I had in the dream. I was completely in love with this little boy. He fit into Jeremy and I's lives so perfectly, it was as if he had always been a part of it. It was truely a priceless, wonderful feeling to have.

We don't know any details yet of the child we will eventually adopt - but the memory I have from that dream will stay with me until I have something real to replace it.

My patience paid off!

Today, I was sitting on the couch checking Facebook when Jeremy walked through the front door after taking Chloe out and checking the mail. In his hand, among other things, was a large manilla envelope. And what was in that envelope? Our adoption information packet!!

So, here's the deal...tomorrow I will call the tri-county foster care/adoptive parent trainer and register Jeremy and I for the orientation and training classes. The classes start July 12 and will run every Tuesday night until Thursday, September 8. I hate that I have to wait more than a month to even get the classes started, and that the classes are only once a week. Each class is 3 hours, so really only having one class a week is pretty reasonable, but when you are as impatient as I am, you hope for at least 3 classes a week, lol. Oh well, I'll take what I can get!

I am sooooo excited and sooo ready to have everything underway. I feel like I have waited for this moment for a VERY long time, and now that it's here, it's almost surreal. I like it. I like being part of something so big, so important, so life-changing. We're well aware that this road isn't going to be easy, but we're ready and so willing to do this. Bring it on!

A lesson in patience

Everyone has heard the saying, "patience is a virtue." Unfortunately, it's not a virtue that I possess. Earlier today I told Jeremy that this entire adoption process is going to be a test of patience, and although it will all be worth it in the end, it sure won't be easy for me to wait for everything to fall into place.

We're currently waiting to receive an invitation for an orientation we have to attend as the first step in becoming adoptive parents. Once we attend that meeting, we will be able to sign up for a series of 9 classes that will span a total of 27 hours for required training. I'm ready to get that started. The only problem is that I have to wait until we receive the invitation, and it has yet to come. Granted, it's only been 6 days since I first contacted the state about adopting, and 2 of those days have been the weekend. Maybe I should be a little more patient.

So, while I wait, I figured I would blog - perhaps it will help me to pass some time while I'm trying to learn to be patient. Have you noticed how many times I have used the word patience in some form or another so far in this post? Maybe if I write it enough it will help me to develop it, lol. OK, enough about patience ;).

One of the main reasons I started this blog was to document our adoption journey for our future child. I want him/her to know what we went through and how we felt as we waited to add them to our family. I want them to know the details, so that they can see how desperate we were to have a child, and how blessed we feel to have them in our lives.

Making the decision to adopt wasn't an easy one. When I first realized that the chances of us having a successful pregnancy were slim, my mind immediately turned to adoption. But we had concerns about adoption...what age did we adopt? How much would it cost? How long would it take?

Like most people who want to be parents, we wanted a baby - someone we could raise from infancy and mold to our views and standards. And we wanted to be there to witness all the monumental steps a child takes in their early childhood - the first smile, the first word, the first day of school.

I found myself browsing the Internet, searching for photolistings of children waiting to be adopted, and stumbled across information about adopting from the foster care system. Quickly I learned that adopting through a public agency was more affordable - it was, in fact, extremely affordable. And, from what I read, the entire process could be a lot shorter than through a private adoption agency.

It seemed like we had it all figured out. But then, as I kept surfing the Internet, I realized that most of the children in the foster care system were older. Infants were few and far between. So, we decided we would take a child from infancy up to the later toddler years. Now, as time goes on and the desire we have to be parents grows stronger and stronger, the age of the child we will adopt becomes less and less important - and we're now planning to adopt up to age 11.

It's amazing to me that I am willing to give up those monumental firsts that biological parents get with their children. Honestly, I never thought I would be OK with that. But I am, because now I've realized that those firsts aren't what's important - being a parent is. And as I sit here and think about it even as I write this, I realize that we will have some firsts with our child - we get to be the ones who see our child experience their first love; we get to be the ones who help our child with their first algebra problem, their first tryout for a high school sports team, and many other things. But most importantly, we get to be the first set of parents our child will have who won't abandon them. We think that's pretty monumental.

Our forever family

As a young girl, I always envisioned my future life. It would, of course, be perfect, with an amazing husband who adored me and who I adored in return, animals roaming the house constantly entertaining us with their antics, and children to fill the home with unimaginable love. When Jeremy and I were married a little over 3 years ago, all those dreams began to be a realization. Little by little we started to build our family, adding animals to the mix and hoping soon that children would also be part of our everyday lives.

Nothing seemed like it was standing in our way. Almost as soon as we started trying to get pregnant, it happened, and we were thrilled. But a week into it, I knew something was wrong, and in a matter of 24 hours we went from pure elation to pure devastation. I had had a miscarriage, and although I wasn't very far along, it was enough to tear me apart.

In the many tests that followed the miscarriage, I discovered I had polycystic ovarian syndrome, the leading cause of infertility in women in the country. But, my doctor was hopeful that we could get pregnant again, and prescribed a regimen that I felt assured would work. But she and I were both wrong. Months later, and ultimately more than a year after we first started trying, we were forced to make a decision that has led us to where we are now.

We're going to adopt - and we're going to adopt through the foster care system. Today I made the first call, and now the ball is rolling. I couldn't be more excited. Getting here hasn't been easy, and I'll talk more about that later. But for now I wanted to begin to tell our story, and to share it with those of you who already support us in this decision and who we know will continue to support us not only through this journey, but throughout all the future brings.

And to the dear child who we will one day call our own - we love you already. Your life thus far may have been full of disappointments, trauma and despair, but we promise you this - those days are soon to be gone, for once you are ours, no matter what happens, you will know that we are here for you, that we will never leave you, and that we will love you forever.